A grueling decision

This past weekend I decided to stop breastfeeding Ayla. I imagined breastfeeding her until the end of time, especially because of her condition, but our most recent situation has made it quite difficult to fulfill that expectation. We came home from the hospital this last Friday after being there for almost a week. She was admitted once she developed a fever and she had been quite sick for about a week. Once in the hospital she stopped nursing completely. This is a nerve-wracking experience since breastfeeding was the only way I could keep her hydrated and somewhat nourished when she feels awful. She then had an NG tube (nasal-gastric tube) put in and we began feeding her Elecare formula through it.

Feeding a person with IBD (Inflamatory Bowel Disease, a broader category which Crohn's and Ulcerative Colitis fall under) an exclusive diet of Elecare has proven a successful treatment in and of itself for many people. So we decided to take Ayla off of breastmilk and feed her only Elecare. I thought I could keep up with pumping so that we could return to breastfeeding once the Elecare diet was over, but I found that after only one day, I wouldn't be able to pull off such an intense demand on top of all the other care that's needed at this point. In essence, we are teathered to Ayla almost constantly because of this NG tube. As of now, she can't handle a big bolus feed (a large amount at once) so we need to feed her at a super slow rate just about all day and all night long to meet her coloric and hydration needs. Consequently, one of us has to follow her at all times, wearing a backpack with the pump and bag in it. Intense, indeed.

The decision to stop breastfeeding is hard enough as it is. It was even harder knowing I would be withdrawing a sense of emotional security and a way to keep her sustained when times get tough. There is yet another component to this decision: many folks with IBD have adopted the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) and have successfully maintained a state of remission because of it. The diet prohibits the intake of grains, sugar, and lactose. While I realize that breast is best under normal circumstances, I have suspected for quite some time that Ayla may possibly be harmed by something in my breastmilk. I do not know this to be true. But I don't really KNOW anything to be true at this point. We're in a constant state of speculation. But since so many folks are thriving on the SCD, and Ayla keeps falling ill while obtaining most of her calories from lactose-laden breastmilk, I felt it was best to make this sacrifice, no matter how hard the decision is. Thus far (and it's only a few days in), she's doing quite well. Each day she seems to be feeling a little better, and she's coping very well with the lack of boobie comfort. Thankfully babies are incredibly adaptable!!!!