Mamagator

These days the universe has a lot to say to my family.  I have yet to determine why exactly we have been chosen to deal with so many huge hurtles in a year.  Did we need to learn a lesson in humility?  Did we need some Jedi warrior training?  Were we too soft?  Was I too pretty?  Ha!  Love that one!
This last Thursday I flew down to San Diego WITHOUT my kids.  Despite the crappy impetus for the trip, the moment I was dropped off at the airporter shuttle I was on vacay.  I kicked my feet up on my luggage and started catching up on phone calls I hadn't been able to make for days.  Knowing that a People magazine and a glass of wine awaited me at the airport, I was instantly steeping in relaxation.  9 hours of travel couldn't have been more blissful: private time, social time, reading time, sleeping time, going to the bathroom without holding a baby on my lap!
The next morning my mom took me to the Moh's surgeon to have two basal cell carcinomas removed from my face.  Once on the surgeon's table, I giggled at the fact that although I was about to go under the knife, I still felt like I was on vacation!  A few hours later, just before the medical assistant bandaged me up, he asked if I wanted to see my face.  I hesitated and then decided I needed to look.  I think I may have left my body for a moment because the world slowed down a bit and I stared at my face in the mirror as if it was something had it's pieces glued back together after shattering on the floor.  This couldn't be my face.  And yet it was.  I was far from freaking out as I would expect myself to under the circumstances.  I thought to myself that most normal people would probably have a good cry at this point.  But I didn't feel like crying.  Gasping a little, maybe, but not crying.

Just finished with surgery.  Classic smile of shock and denial.

   
Turns out the cancer on the bridge of my nose ended up being rather large and left me with a dime-size hole front and center.  Another small cancer was under my left eye, and was removed leaving nothing huge and ungodly like the other.  In order to cover up the spot on my nose, the doctor took skin from my forehead and pulled it down to cover the bridge of my nose.  This left me with an incision that starts on my forehead, comes down between my eyes, and branches into a Y, one side crossing over the bridge of my nose and the other side swooping under my left eye.  To be honest, I think I'm still in denial about the whole thing.  It's as if my brain is impervious to the fact that this has actually happened to me.  I am in the middle of the most profound part of the healing process--still incredibly swollen and bruised--and it looks as though I was in a head-on car accident.

Today's hot look.  Hard to believe this is an improvement from yesterday.

Meanwhile, Steve and the kids and Grandma and Grandpa are keeping life flowing up in Petaluma.  Before I left I gave Grandma the crash course in operating Ayla's pump and administering all the meds and supplements, and Steve is in charge of changing the tape on her face, requiring the classic leg pindown on the floor.  Not Ayla's favorite.
I'd like to say that I'm healing up in a vaccuum free from worry about Ayla but I can't cut myself free considering we spent another night in the hospital just last week.  After a day of screaming and being unable to sleep we took her to the ER in case it was something serious.  Her white blood cell count was up but we never found out what the source of it was.  She's been quite well ever since but a fussy day can turn into something more serious in a heartbeat.  Since being at home she's been doing very well.  So far so good on that front but that doesn't exempt me from stressing about it from time to time..
At least once a day I want to throw myself a pity party because of all the stuff we've been faced with lately.  Sometimes I go through with it and sometimes I take the "bigger person" approach and try to breathe through it.  What I have realized in all of this and what I am reminded of everyday is how resilient each of my family members are.  We keep putting one foot in front of the next and we get stronger everyday.  Maybe the universe is telling us that Ayla is not the only alligator in this family.